You would have done anything for me. What changed? You don't have to answer that. I just had to ask.And he responded.
What I got from his message was that he didn't have a peace about us. He had started to withdraw, but hoped that feeling would go away. It didn't. I noticed its effects. When I asked about them, his explanation led to our breakup.
So if I'm reading him right, it's not that there was anything wrong with me (he was sincerely complimentary in his message; it's contrary to his nature to be insincere, which was something I loved about him)....and there wasn't anything wrong with him. But God...didn't ordain us.
And...I get that.
When I was a kid and wanted to do things, Mom at times declined my request. When I fought her, she sometimes had a lame excuse and other times explained, "I just don't have a good feeling about it." It sounds strange if you haven't experienced it, but I had a nudge from the Holy Spirit that said something like, "Respect this." I _knew_ I shouldn't push her on it. And often, later, I found out that it would not have been good if I had done such activity. I've had those same "feelings," myself. They're not "feelings" in terms of my own wanting to do something, but feelings that come from "nowhere" and that I have a supernatural confidence in.
God had been prepping me before "the" conversation with Gimli. I don't know if it was a "this relationship is not to be" feeling, or a "he's not going to go through with this" feeling. If it was the former, I didn't want to believe it. If it was the latter...I didn't want to believe that, either. So in the last couple weeks, I started praying. "God, if you don't want this relationship to be, please break it off. Have him break it off, because I can't."
So when he wrote in his message about not having peace, I understood--at least to the point of not being able to go forward with something one doesn't have peace about...not about why we weren't "right."
The lessons part:
- If you don't have peace about something, pray pray pray about it! What's causing the unrest? And, firstly, face that unrest. Take it to the King. Better, sooner.
- I love Gimli more after his email than I did while we were dating. That probably sounds twisted, but I respect him for putting his desire for rightness with God before his affection for me. I also think about his actions--how he was respectful to me as a woman, and how he, even withdrawing, still treated me better than...any other boyfriend.
- Why..._not_ us? It was an honorable relationship. Christian brothers and sisters thought we were perfect for each other. We integrated well with each other's families. I gave him the reins to co-lead my Bible study, and we fell into roles we were designed for; he talked us through the message and cross-referenced Scripture, and I was the administrative assistant. We were reaching out to international students/colleagues to whom he was connected; this fulfilled my need to reach out to those who don't fit in. What...what...?
- I realized today that I hadn't been writing. Maybe because everything was so peachy, maybe because the stuff that bothered me wasn't something I could put out publicly on a blog, maybe because I could just tell him all the goods and bads, maybe because I was lazy. But I am...meant to write. And I've had a hard time this past semester just sitting and being quiet. This post was prompted by a rather vehement letter from B, who voiced her protectiveness toward me and jerkiness of Gimli. (He's not a jerk, B. I probably made him sound like one, and for that I'm sorry. It was his further explanation that clarified things. But I love you for caring and for being angry for me!) I figured I should give an update, so here it is. Rarely have I sat so long, so quietly in my beautiful apartment. Restlessness...it, also, keeps me from writing. Perhaps I need to conquer that, commit to writing, and then...?
- It took about three months of a lot of togetherness for me to want to include others in my hang-out times with Gimli. Maybe three and a half. Mostly that was because I didn't want us to be isolated. But really, I was content with just him. However, _that's_ not what I'm called to. Perhaps God has given me this singleness to ensure that I reach out to those I have always had a penchant for--the abused, neglected, and misunderstood. I need a mate who is as committed to outreach to that arena as I am/should be. And Gimli did that when I hosted a movie night in my building...but when the movie was done, I didn't have any huge urge to converse with the others. I did little community-building that night. Gimli was my refuge, and I looked forward to being in his arms. I didn't feel the needs of the others because I was looking toward mine being met. Ouch.
- I cried on the floor to God. "Teach me what You want so I don't have to go through this lesson again!" I am amazed at how one so stubborn can be so weak.
- I miss Gimli.
