I did it. Defriended him, I mean. We haven't talked for about 11 months. We've emailed twice. Facebook was only a painful reminder of his existence in a look-but-don't-touch format.

This fall has been the anniversary of so many things with him. I enjoyed him SO MUCH. That makes the anniversaries so much harder.

I re-read his explanation email to me from last January, and wonder if he was saying that physically, I wasn't good enough for him. But I had asked him about that during our breakup conversation, and he had said no to that along with other things.

If it was a God thing--if he just didn't have a peace from God about us--it was easier to take. But I don't see why God would bring us together then take us apart. Did one of us sin in the first place? Did he pursue me without God's go-ahead, thereby making us wrong from the start? What if it was just the wrong timing? But after eleven months...I start to doubt that. It sinks in that...he's probably not coming back. And oh how I loved him... Oh how I loved being with him... Oh how I loved every part of "us..."

And every posting of his on FB was a pick and a peel of a scar. It wasn't facing reality, like I'd hoped it would be by leaving him on the list. It just...prevented healing.

So I wrote him an email this afternoon, explaining why I was about to defriend him. It was a nice email. Then I did the smart thing and pushed "save" rather than "send." I cried some more. Took a nap. Woke up. Checked Facebook. Went to his profile. Stalked his wall a little more. Really...ready...to say...goodbye...? I left that tab up and went back to check my FB newsfeed. All posts covered, I returned to his page. Bottom left--"Remove from friends." My pointer hovered over it. I paused, cried, prayed, held my breath, pushed the button.

"Are you sure you want to remove Gimli from friends?"

This time, I knew he was already gone.

"Okay."

[Click.]