I talked to Ma today, and toward the end of our conversation she asked if I'd made any Christmas plans.

"Nope," I replied. "No one to make plans with...except you guys."

We talked about which day Christmas is, and about my going over to the padres' place for our family favorite of Blitz Bubble Rings and orange julius for breakfast. And a little bit later, she said that Gimli had been on her heart a lot recently.

"Mine, too," I said quietly. I had attributed it to all these anniversaries of milestones--holidays with him--and fantastic ones they were. Today, talking about Christmas with Mom, I was so glad we'd had Christmas at my place last year. I've worked through my memories of Gimli's being here and have had other people over. It's become my home, not my home with his touches. I haven't had as much time at my parents' place this year--haven't had time to take away Christmas memories in that home, had we been there last year. So this year, I'm grateful to be going home for Christmas--even if it is less than a mile away.

"You have?" Mom asked.

"Mm hmm. I finally defriended him on Facebook, too."

"When...when was that?"

"Sunday, I think. Yeah. Sunday."

"Hmm. Well, he's been on my mind since Tuesday or Wednesday. I've been praying for him a lot. I've been praying that God would soften his heart. I don't know in what way, but..."

Really. About a month ago, I started praying that God would soften my future husband's heart toward me.

Then Mom seemed to switch gears.

"Remember when I was talking with P the other day, and you called, and I told P that I'd call her back, but then I forgot to? Well, she called me the next day, and, you know how she's so direct... She said to me, 'Are you mad because I'm going to be a grandma before you are?'" [P's daughter-in-law is pregnant.] "And I said, 'Not mad... Sad...'"

And the tears burst out of my eyes. I'm sorry, Mom. I'm sorry, Dad. I know that you love children and would truly be the best grandparents in the world. I'm so sorry...

And...I couldn't make a sound. Couldn't let my mom know how that hurt, and how it hurts me that they hurt, and how it hurts me to know that they never say anything like, "When are you going to get married and give us some grandchildren" because they love me so much and...don't want to hurt me.

Mom went on. "P said that if I had grandchildren, I wouldn't spend time with [the littlest children in the family of our friends who have 11 kids]. And they need that--they need 'in-town grandparents.'"

"Yeah," I agreed, managing an even tone.

"And you're the one who introduced me to them."

Oh. I have given my parents grandchildren. Thank You, God, for that gift, and thank You for that realization from my mother.

And thank You, God, for the things my parents know and feel but don't necessarily say. But thank You for these glimpses that make me realize how much they love me.

I did it. Defriended him, I mean. We haven't talked for about 11 months. We've emailed twice. Facebook was only a painful reminder of his existence in a look-but-don't-touch format.

This fall has been the anniversary of so many things with him. I enjoyed him SO MUCH. That makes the anniversaries so much harder.

I re-read his explanation email to me from last January, and wonder if he was saying that physically, I wasn't good enough for him. But I had asked him about that during our breakup conversation, and he had said no to that along with other things.

If it was a God thing--if he just didn't have a peace from God about us--it was easier to take. But I don't see why God would bring us together then take us apart. Did one of us sin in the first place? Did he pursue me without God's go-ahead, thereby making us wrong from the start? What if it was just the wrong timing? But after eleven months...I start to doubt that. It sinks in that...he's probably not coming back. And oh how I loved him... Oh how I loved being with him... Oh how I loved every part of "us..."

And every posting of his on FB was a pick and a peel of a scar. It wasn't facing reality, like I'd hoped it would be by leaving him on the list. It just...prevented healing.

So I wrote him an email this afternoon, explaining why I was about to defriend him. It was a nice email. Then I did the smart thing and pushed "save" rather than "send." I cried some more. Took a nap. Woke up. Checked Facebook. Went to his profile. Stalked his wall a little more. Really...ready...to say...goodbye...? I left that tab up and went back to check my FB newsfeed. All posts covered, I returned to his page. Bottom left--"Remove from friends." My pointer hovered over it. I paused, cried, prayed, held my breath, pushed the button.

"Are you sure you want to remove Gimli from friends?"

This time, I knew he was already gone.

"Okay."

[Click.]