In the Bible study/book study I'm leading, the author of the book has challenged us to spend the next week journaling the previous day's events, and then prayers. Just a page a day; a page a prayer session, he recommends.

That was last week. It's Wednesday again, and I have nothing written. Granted, there were a few days of extreme busyness and exhaustion. But mostly, it's an issue of...me not wanting to come to terms with things? Me wanting to curl up in bed and watch episodes of "Murder, She Wrote" and live in a fictional world that has more spice and resolution than my own does?

It seems I always feel "down" after "that time of the month." It's as if a mini-depression hits. Realizing it is good.

Twice in the past couple months, I've been asked to babysit former boyfriends' babies. Kinda strange, but kinda cool. And at the same time, it hurts so much. "Coulda been me; coulda been me..."

Wasn't meant to be you; wasn't meant to be you...

So this morning, I took a break from Jessica Fletcher and started reading a friend's sister's blog. She went through the adorableness of her two daughters, and in her writing, a desire to please God shone through. She loves her husband, she loves her babies; life can be rough, but God is good. She also included an entry on how she met her husband. In it, she wrote about going through a spiritual rebellion. It didn't look like it on the outside, but she knew it existed on the inside. Through a process, she gave every little piece of herself to God--including her desires to be married and have a family. There was a point after that surrender that she realized that giving those desires to God didn't make for an automatic granting of the wish.

A couple of friends are going through a horrid place in their marriage, and divorce seems imminent. He's on a path toward positive change, but she's wary of trusting again. He's been reading "The Love Dare" after watching "Fireproof," and it's affected his whole life. When we talked about his trying to woo her back, I asked what would happen if she didn't respond the way he wanted. He said he'd keep living his life in ways that please God, and hope that his wife returns to him.

Those are such great reminders for me--to give it up, and maybe not stop hoping that I'll get what I desire, but to continue following God joyfully through the rest of life. It's not easy. I read something today that said a woman's level of fertility decreases drastically after age 35. I turn 35 tomorrow. Is it easier to surrender something you know you can't have, anyway? I give up my dreams to be an WNBA star because I'm only 5'1" anyway? Do I need to willfully surrender before there's a forced surrender? Is this "coming of age" God's way of saying I messed up in not fully surrendering earlier, so He has just removed the option? Then I feel as though I'm a failure in spirituality as well as in the world of relationships.

More wrestling to do...