Waiting for the Punch Line

Some things, you just know. Other things, you don't. And when those other things are big things, you wonder why you don't know.

I've been in a relationship since November, and it had its ups and downs--definitely more ups than downs, and definitely a learning experience as well. But I didn't know if it was going somewhere. Though unattended from my end, I kept my eHarm account active. I was cautious about making big plans with the boy for any upcoming holidays, because I didn't know if we'd still be together. I found doubts creeping in because something felt unsettled.

But I liked him, and I saw that God was teaching us both things throughout the process. I learned a bit about compromise, and I learned a bit about grace.

I cancelled my eHarm account a couple days ago, before it auto-renewed the day before it would tell me that it had done so.

Since he's in school, I thought up something special we could do for Valentine's Day--something that would be inexpensive and still allow him time to study.

We curled up at a movie together Friday night, and I saw him on my way home last night after being out of town for a bit. Just before I drove away, he looked at me and told me I'm an amazing woman. And I hugged him even tighter.

I thought about those creeping doubts and unsettled feelings this morning. Maybe I'm just not used to really trusting someone. And last night--last night felt _real_.

And tonight, he said we had to talk. About us.

"This isn't leading to marriage."

"Then it's done," I wanted to say, but waited.

He reminded me that he'd promised he wouldn't casually date me. We talked a bit more, and I thanked him for letting me know. He asked if I wanted him to stay on the phone and talk, or if I wanted him to let me go.

"Well, it seems you've already let me go..." I said wryly.

And I moved on. And will continue to do so. I wish these tears would stop flowing so I could go off to my meeting of the night, but they seem to keep attacking.

It's not as though he's totally gone, and I see us resuming a friendship in a few months or a year or so. I guess I'm just frustrated and tired at the thought of starting over. I'm tired of wondering where my place in the world is, especially after wondering if it would possibly be with him. I'll miss that close friendship with him, because things will be different. I'll miss his ways of thinking, which provoked me to think beyond myself.

But really--really--I think I knew. Sometimes, not knowing is a way of knowing.