One of my friends got engaged today. She's a dear person; the guy seems really solid. And once I get past...this..., I'll be more happy for them.
Gimli keeps coming to mind, annoyingly. I've prayed that God remove these thoughts, if I'm not to be with him. I don't know if He's answering them or not.
Tonight, I attended an event at the request of a mutual friend of Gimli's and mine. My only connection to him was through Gimli, so I haven't seen him or his family for a year. I wondered...wondered...setup? Day before Valentine's Day? Reunion? How movie-ish that would be!
However, since my life is not a movie, that didn't be.
The invitation to the event was merely a reciprocal gesture of hospitality, repaying a kindness I had done for the mutual friend's wife and baby last year.
To go from talking with my giddily engaged friend (and trying to be happy!) to a room full of people which might include Gimli, all the day before Valentine's Day...it was a miniature perfect storm. My eyes were dry and I was composed; I had hung up with my friend just before I arrived--just before my eyes may have spouted tears and ruined my makeup. Then I remembered my grandma had called; since I hardly talk with her and she had made the effort to call, I decided to call her back quickly. I explained I only had a moment, and after a bit of small talk, I mentioned my friend's engagement. I asked my grandma to pray for my heart. If she heard me through her hearing aid, she'll understand. Knowing that she loves me, cares about me, knows how this hurts and how much I wish it didn't, made me start crying there in my car. It's easy enough to bottle something up; it's hard to keep it together when someone expresses empathy.
And still God takes care of me. I arrived for the event in the dark, in heels, on ice. I didn't plan well for parking, but decided to try an area I've always had "dumb luck" in. I drove to the end of the row; nothing. Going forward meant going over a snow-created ramp, over a sidewalk, and down with a thud on the other side. I debated how much trauma that would cause my tires and decided against putting them through that. As I shifted into reverse and looked behind me, I saw someone else's reverse lights come on. I paused. The car just a few spots behind me backed out and drove away. Other cars circled the lot like vultures hungrier than I, but I slid into that spot and had a much shorter walk in the dark, in heels, on ice.
I could have made a lot of different choices in life. Some I regret; others, I don't. I'm here, 35 and single on the eve of Valentine's Day, going to bed in my Valentine pajamas (bought before last year's breakup) with "love," and "be mine" on them as a reminder that I am loved by the King. And I'm wearing my "Virgins are hot" T-shirt as a reminder that I am a woman of integrity. Daughter of the King.
